The XFiles Musical
by Fictionnaire
Summary: I think the title says it all. Hope you all see the funny side of it.
1. Chapter 1

THE X-FILES MUSICAL

_**THE X-FILES MUSICAL**_

**A/N: **_This isn't a totally original idea. Some of the scenes and lyrics in my version of The X-Files Musical are inspired by Evil Dead: The Musical. _

**PS: **_I do not own any of these character or X-files neither do I have anything to do with the X-files except watch it religiously._

* * *

_SCENE 1: _The X-Files Basement: _Song Ripped Off: Evil Dead Musical's Cabin In The Woods_

Characters Used: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, John Doggett, Monica Reyes & Agent Harrison

**ALL SINGING**

We're all gonna be jammed in this office, it's really stuffy

Oh My god we hope nobody lets out a little bit of a fluffy

We're going to be delving deeply into each X-File

We really hope that this musical makes everyone smi-ile.

Here's a twist, to make it better, we better put up a litte warn

There's going to be some swearing and Mulder likes Po-orn.

If you're stuck up, then perhaps this musical should be missed

Because if you're stuck up and read this you may get pissed!

We never take a holiday there's no time for that, but we take time out for a sing-sing!

Because there's no X-files to investigate today, so instead we decided to sing!

In The X-Files Basement (oooh)

If ya read please comment(yeah)

We're five Agents on a quest for the truth

For one reason or another we're stuck in the X-Files basement(yeah)

**Fox Mulder:**

All the best agents are here

For the second best musical of the year

I am really good, my popularity's off the chart

But I'll never be as good as that guy from S-Mart!

**Dana Scully:**

I'm partnered with the hottest Agent, his name is Fox

I secretly love him, and everyone should see his…. Sox

He's really tall and so thin

That's why I love him

**John Doggett**

I'm a former New York cop and don't you forget that mate.

Because I push people to walls and say, "You Got That Straight."

I am really street tough, by the book, and I think Mulder's a lou-out.

But one thing I must say, Reyes is really freaking me out!

**MONICA REYES:**

I must say, I secretly love Doggett, but I sense he's a real hard-ass

You think I'd be use to him since I worked with him in the pa-ast

But I think he thinks I'm really weird, but by god I hear him swear

Because he thinks I talk to people that aren't even the-ere.

**AGENT HARRISON:**

I'm not really an agent anymore, I'm just here because of my looks

I'm an accountant who use to take care of the X-files boo-ooks

I've read the x-files, I believe in everything even a magic wand

But the only reason I'm in this musical, is because it needs a blonde!

**JOHN DOGGETT**

Harrison may not know much, just take a look at her fate.

I will say this to you Harrison, "YOU GOT THAT STRAIGHT!"

**ALL:**

In The X-Files Basement (oooh)

If ya read please comment(yeah)

We're five Agents on a quest for the truth

For one reason or another we're stuck in the X-Files basement(yeah)

**FOX MULDER** I really hate to say this, but I really hate a skeptic I hate to really say it.

**DANA SCULLY:** He calls me skeptic, but that's because I keep saying he's full of shit

**MONICA REYES:** But for me and Doggett it's the other way around, I'm into paranormal

**JOHN DOGGETT:** And unlike Mulder, I really don't think that's very normal

**AGENT HARRISON:** Can I come… oooh. Please can I come. I want to see you all in action

**ALL**

Listen to us all now, please don't make a mistake, we may not act professionally

Besides what you may think, we all take our work seriouslyyyy

Listen to us, we may like to drink, and we may like porn, and we may like late night talk shows and a lot more…

But we're all dedicated to the core.

In The X-Files basement (ooh)

If ya read, please comment(yeah)

In The X-Files Basement (oooh)

If ya read please comment(yeah)

We're five Agents on a quest for the truth

For one reason or another we're stuck in the X-Files basement(yeah)

* * *

_  
__**SCENE 2**__: AGENT SCULLY ASSIGNED: Characters: Blevin, CSM and Scully_

Blevin: "Agent Scully. Are you familiar with The X-Files and Agent Mulder?"

Scully: "Yes sir. I'm familiar with Spooky."

Blevin: "Excellent… We need you to debunk his work. To work with him and provide scientific explanations to his cases."

**SCULLY:**

I can do that, I can provide scientific evidence oh yeah.

I'll work with him, that I'll do, I think we'll make a good pair

But one thing I won't do, I'll never ever do and that is be a spy

Because that wasn't on my Job Description when I joined the FBI

**BLEVIN:**

I'm not asking you-ou to spy on an Agent, That I'll never do-oo

But you're an Agent, I'm your boss and you'll do what I tell you-ou

If you disobey

There'll be hell to pay.

**SCULLY**

Since I have no choice, I'll do my best to do what you ask sir

I'm professional, I'm rational but I'm beginning to see you're a wan-(cough cough)

But please tell me this before anything else, that friend of yours

Who does he think he is, lighting up a cigarette indoo-oors?!

* * *

Scene 3: _First meeting: Characters: Agent Scully, Agent Mulder_

**Mulder: **Welcome to the FBI's most unwanted. Who did you tick off to get this assignment… Scully?

**Scully: **Actually I look forward to working with you.

**Mulder: **Really I was under the impression you were meant to spy on me

**SCULLY**

How dare you Agent Mulder? How dare you question my qualification?

If you're going to be a prat Mulder I will use big words in retaliation.

This will confuse you, you'll go glassy eyed while I will always disagree.

What do you say to that? Agent Mulder, it's going to be hell working with me

**MULDER**

I'll tell you-ou, what I'd do for retaliation. I'll frustrate you expecte-edlyyy.

I believe in everything, from UFO's, ghosts and a really good porn movieee.

Don't take my mag, I was reading that. To annoy you endlessly

I'm going to ignore your first name and forever call you Scullyyyy.

**MULDER & SCULLY**

We don't like each other at fir-irst. But necessity will bring us togethe-er

But right now we all know that the author's picturing you/me in tight Leather

We hope the author doesn't screw with us to badly, arrgggh the Frustration!

If he does, we know what to do, runaway, make a break from his Imagination

_ME: No you won't_

**Mulder & Scully** Yes We will, our threats you can not ignore

_ME: You can't, because I've now locked the only door._


	2. Cases & Bad Guys

X-Files Musical

_**X-Files Musical**_

_**Chapter 2:**_

_SCENE 4:__ Paperwork… Who's Right? Who's Wrong?_

**Agent Scully**: You can't put UFO's in an official report?  
**Agent Mulder:** Why not?  
**Agent Scully:** Because they don't exist  
**Agent Mulder:** They do  
**Agent Scully:** No they don't.

**Teens Disappearing In The Sky**_**: **__(Taken off Ghostriders In the Sky)Mulder&Scully_

**MULDER:**

Young teenagers went into the bush one dark and gloomy night  
Young Billy Miles saw something, something that gave him a fright  
When suddenly out of the night sky, there came a UFO-oh-oh-oh.  
Descended upon the clearing, to take Billy Miles, he had no choice but to go…

The light glimmered off the UFO and it shone a light down.  
Poor Billy Miles was stuck, there was no way back into town  
A bolt of fear went through him as he was lifted to the sky  
For there was nothing he could do, but go with the light and cry

**SCULLY:** No Mulder Noooo… No waaaaay. Teens, don't disappear in the sky.

**MULDER**

Billy Miles was dropped back off, but how stranger can it get?  
He was scared with no memory, typical abduction story not hard to forget.  
You'd think that he'd remember being taken up in the sky  
Who are you to say that he is a li--ar.  
Yes teenagers disappear in the sky-y.

**SCULLY:**

I'll only admit one thing and that this case was stra-ange.  
Billy Miles is back, one other thing, you put an X mark in Orange  
How's that going to look in the future if we ever go by  
I tell you Mulder, Teenagers don't disappear in the sky

**MULDER:**

Teenagers will come and go but that X will mark the spot  
People will stop and pay attention to that X a lot.  
Why can't you believe in UFO's and Abduction?  
I'm sorry Scully that I don't understand your Reluctance.

**SCULLY: **No Mulder noooo… No Waaaay. Teens don't disappear in the sky.

* * *

_SCENE V _**REGULAR BAD GUYS:** Krychek, CSM, and the Consortium Choir.

**CSM:**

We are the regular bad guys, out to screw Mulder in every wa-ay  
We think of a new tactic to mess with his head every day!  
But don't tell my colleagues that I secretly want Mulder to succeed.  
But to protect-my-self-from-all-my colleagues I must appear to impede.

**Krychek:**

Yo Yo yo. You all listen up, listen to me. Old Cancer man has nothing on me.  
I came in as a rookie and a little green… Unlike old Cancer man, my deeds get seen  
Yo, won't you listen to me… I'm as tough as a villain should be.  
To prove I'm tough, to show you I'm not a character stuck on the shelf  
I had people cut off my arm just to save myself. Yo-man-yo.

**CONSORTIUM CHOIR:**

We are the group that protects everything… From the truth to our skin.  
We are known by our own characteristics not by names. We really need to win  
Because if we don't, mankind's going to lose and there'll be nothing  
We are the heroes of this story, though nobody will believe what we sing.  
We may do things that would really make you question our sanityyyyy  
But we all do these things to save our lives and save humaaaaanityyyyy

* * *

_Scene VI: _**Tooms/Squeeze: **Characters: Eugene Tooms/Scully/Mulder/Tom Colton

**Agent Colton: **Scully, I need your help working on a case.  
**Agent Scully: **You want me to call in Mulder  
**Agent Colton:** Sure if he owes you a favor, but this is my case  
**Agent Scully: **Don't be afraid, Mulder won't piss on your territory. What are you doing here Mulder?  
**Agent Mulder: **Since you were having lunch with an old friend. I thought I'd spy on you.

**TOM COLTON:**

Agent Mulder you can't solve this case, you may believe in everything I know  
But this case is mine and you must understand take your beliefs and just go  
Inside there's no sign of entry for the killer, nobody saw any man  
No, Mulder… Don't look there, this wasn't done by a little green man.

**MULDER:**

You're one stupid man Colton, and I don't think twice about what I say.  
Because everybody knows that the typical Zeta Reticulian is Grey-yay.  
But I don't see any evidence that would point to the suspect being Alien  
However, to piss you off, I'll keep going on about Liver and Onion

**SCULLY:**

Mulder, oh why Mulder do you continue doing this to people?  
Can't you see, by acting like you, that you're alienating people?  
I wished you hadn't peed upstream in Colton's territory, and made fun of his "POLE"  
But I don't know, Mulder, it seemed to me that you're acting territorial.

**MULDER:**

Yes I was being territorial… But Colton's friendship is no big loss  
To give viewers a hint about the notsodistant future I'll fiddle with your cross  
But one thing, I can't believe my ears, you see from what you were stating  
I can't believe my ears, but you a skeptic mention alienating.

**COLTON:**

This I must ask Scully… Who's side are you on? I thought you were really fine  
But right now, I know you're at the X-Files I could get you re-assigned  
This case is mine, not yours, I don't care what you have to say  
Because I'm a prick with ambition who wants to be in charge someday

**SCULLY:**

I'm not on your side, I'm not on Mulder's side… I'm on the victim's side.  
But I must say this, I'm staying on the X-files because I respect the ri-hi-hi-de  
And nothing you can say will change my mind.  
Now go away and grow some spine

**EUGENE TOOMS:**

Hey there, I'm a liver eating mutant who reappears every 30 years to feed then sleep  
Who would've thought that I would be the first re-appearing monster? I'm a creep  
Mulder knows the truth but nobody believes him, so he stalks me  
But guess what? He's not the only one who has a thing for Scullyyyy  
I'll abduct her, I'll try and kill her, but Mulder will stop me not once but twice  
Tell you what though nothing beats a meal of human liver and rice  
But I'm sad, I'm about to be killed, guess I should have taken the Elevator  
Because now I've been squished by the god-awful Escalatooor

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A/N: Thanks for the couple of reviews... This is just a thing I'm having fun with. Hope yous get a good laugh at it.


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